What am I fighting against?

I can't say that I recall a clear moment in my youth where I thought, "I am transgender". 

But I'm also not sure that those words were ever in my vocabulary. I knew that many kids said that I looked like a man pretending to be a woman, that is a memory that was long forgotten until recently. Who knows what my reaction was, anything I say would be mere speculation at this point. 

Now the words exist in my vocabulary, yet, they still don't feel applicable to me. They simply feel relevant to endless others who I do feel aligned with in identity. But the words, "I am transgender" still don't feel like they belong to me. So, what is it in me that is pushing back?

At 11 years old, I was stealing my brothers clothes. When I wasn't I wore all black. Black hair, eyeliner, shoes, all of it. I was always drawn to the group of guys, but I never felt attracted to them. I just wanted to be them. I don't think I knew that entirely at the time. I know that I wanted them to see me as cool, waned them to pull me into their circle. I didn't want to hang with the girls... they made me nervous. I liked them. "Lesbian" was another word I didn't have access to until later in life. The boys mistook my hanging out as an invitation to advancement, and I didn't know of any other way.  

Years come and go. Styles change. Attempts to fit in and be accepted changed. But nonetheless, I was always drawn to the group of guys. They didn't see another bro, though. They say a girl, they saw flirting, and sex. They saw someone who was loud, who openly was attracted to girls and supposedly guys. 

Have you ever put on a nice dress. Done your hair the best you could, even if you stumbled the whole time. Layered on make-up fighting back tears because it just wasn't right? When it's all said and done, and people are blown away by how amazing you are but one look in the mirror and everything you see looking back at you just... isn't right. It is forced, it is fake. I have been here, a lot. It's a horrible feeling, to see myself in the mirror and think, "I will never feel connected to myself". Something must have been wrong with me. 

Gender Dysphoria is a word I didn't know until a handful of years ago. Last year, I finally realized it might apply to myself. 

I cut my beautiful, thick, long hair. Now it is short, and has gotten shorter over the last few years. I was so afraid I would regret it, but I don't. I see my short hair now, and it looks like it belongs there.  

Slack and button ups from the women's department? Forget it, I would cry every time I tried on an outfit. Did you know that even if you're AFAB (assigned female at birth) you can still wear men's clothes?! I didn't even consider it until recently.  Now I have clothes that feel right on my body, and reflect an appearance that seems so much more fitting. 

Nearing my 30's I started to get coarse hair around my chin and upper lip. I would shave and pluck, hiding it from the world so people wouldn't judge me. But just like I stopped shaving my legs and armpits, I decided to say "fuck it" and see how much it would grow. Now, without the support of external hormones, I have a fun little beard that is long enough to play with. And I love it. It is a part of me. It belongs. 

And honestly, it pulls the whole look together. 

When I began exploring my more masculine appearance, my girlfriend asked if I would want to get on testosterone. 

Pffftt, no?? That was my first response. Externally, I said there were too many additional effects of T that I wouldn't want. Internally, the thought of taking that step scared me so deeply, I didn't even give it a thought. Testosterone? Like, to become a man? There is a lot to unpack there.

Jokes on me. 

So, what are the thoughts that have risen while considering HRT? Lets see....

• But I've never thought I was trans, I've never wanted to transition before. So, am I doing "too much" now. REAL trans people fight their whole life to be themselves. I'm just.... me.
• I am a parent to a preteen, whose father is a bigot. I would be risking losing my child in court. 
• My family won't support me. 
• I'd never feel like I belong anywhere.
• I couldn't do that while working, how would I make sense of that. 
• My lesbian girlfriend would lose her attraction to me.
• I'm just attention seeking.  
• I can find euphoria without HRT.
• I'm too old.  
• I just can't.  

Despite all of this, I have made my decision. 

While still have moments of imposter syndrome, I have decided to move forward with HRT and have already spoken with my doctor and am scheduled to begin the process on June 3rd. I can't wait for my beard to become more full!

~I also have a consultation for top surgery and body masculinzation sculpting. 
~I came out to my immediate family last week, and have lot half of them. More on that another time. 
~I have come out at work and am supported by a large number of people. 
~My child loves me and supports me and only cares that our family is full of hatred and judgement. 
~I have chosen my name, Ashton, and settled on he/him/they/them pronouns.

Some days I feel indifferent towards my journey, some days I am excited, and on others I am doubtful and scared. However, I am here, and I look forward to sharing my journey with you.